Earlier this week while in pipe prayer ceremony I heard the words “You need to have faith, now.”  They weren’t commanding words or scolding. And yes, I know it’s interesting that I check the message from the Great Spirit to see if I’m being scolded. And I never have been. My own critic…well, that’s different. She’s mean.

These words, though, were kind and loving and spoken to me at a time of deep stress and strife.  I was and to be honest, still am, having difficulty being in a state of joy about all that’s good in my life because fear and her nasty tribe of friends, worry, fret and anxiety, are hanging out in my head, crushing my shoulders, whispering shit in my ears.

I was not totally surprised to hear this message from the Great Spirit. I was surprised though to learn that I have so little faith. Or if there are things I’m sure of, or I think I’m sure of, it’s that bad shit is around the corner ready to pounce.

So, Faith.  You got some? How did you get it?

How do you keep it?

If I conjure up some then must I attend to it every day? How do I do that?

I realized in that prayer ceremony that I haven’t been praying. Unless “Jesus Christ, what now?!” is a prayer.  I realized that I’m a wee bit more lost than usual. That I’m tracking miles trying to outrun all that stresses me out, all that scares me and I’m tired. I literally have a brace on my knee due to the stress on my bones from running in my head.

So here’s the list of what I know I want to have faith in:

Faith that I’m making the right career choices and my film will garner the next steps I want to be a successful filmmaker. And novelist.

Faith that my daughter will be safe. And continue to make smart choices and be blessed with more creative and artistic success. And to have love that sets her heart on fire and peace that allows her to live in that love.

Faith that my niece will continue to nurture her soon to be marriage and her sweet children will always know joy and not wish for anything.

Faith that my siblings will be stay strong and trust that their dreams can come true.

Faith that my amazing true friends will not suffer any pain and will always know love and laughter.

Faith that I’m not watching my mother die.

Faith that the baby I wish for is on his way.

But here’s what I’m thinking about faith today. All these things I listed are what I want. And as a kid…aww…see, this is what’s driving my confusion. I know this.  Years of introspection and therapy do pay off and have helped me recognize when Little Stacey is at the helm.

As a kid I wanted so much more than I had. I begged for it. I don’t remember praying though. I think I learned pretty early on that prayers don’t get answered and that shit will just roll up next to you and all you could do was sink or swim.  And I swam.  I must have because I’m still here.

And…(this is AND and not BUT because we are all capable of holding a variety of emotions at the same time.  Also learned that in therapy! )  AND when I run that wish list against the life I have now I can see what has come. And I’m back to the blessings I do have.  My child is doing really well as an emerging artist in New York City. Her dream. She’s okay. My niece is getting married to a wonderful man and having more babies, which is her dream, and she’s okay. My mother is still with us. She’s okay.  My siblings are all living their lives taking on the upswings and moving through the down with strength and perseverance. They’re okay. My friends are okay. My marriage…we’re okay.  Okay. Okay.

So…is that what faith is? Not a wish to obtain certain things or experiences but a belief that you’re going to be okay.  I’m going to be okay?

Peace

*I found this photo in my google search for “faith” and it confused me and made me cry. Thank you Joycelayman.com